Yes, I am no longer a 1L. But the road getting here was tough.
This post was originally written a few weeks ago with a different title and it started like this:
"Oh my word, I still have this lingering cough and the dreaded killer migraines that come and go like the wind. It hurts so bad that I can't keep my eyes open and I am sensitive to sound. My back hurts all day long and I have a massage therapist that touches me like I am made of glass. Can someone please hook me up with a good rolfing session?
Last week, I visited the ER. It was an interesting experience..."
As you can see, I wasn't able to finish writing that entry. I wanted to dedicate an entry writing about my experience in the ER. But I got busy with finals, and today is not much different. I finished my first year of law school last Friday and today is my first night of summer session I! No time to recover whatsoever.
But let me finish where I left off with the illness that hasn't yet gone away completely. It lingers like a bad dream and I can't seem to shake it after all these weeks.
So a few weeks ago, I was feeling the pressure of finals and my body began communicating to me that it hates me. I woke up with a lump in my throat that hurt everytime I swallowed and it persisted after four days. The only other symptoms I was experiencing was a fever and chills. I had a sinking feeling it was strep throat. On the fifth day I made an appointment and went to the doctor. She confirmed it was strep and told me not to go to work because I'm contagious. So I had to take three days off. I've never taken more than one day off for being sick, ever in my life. So that pained me, to have to take real sick days off because I was really sick, and not be able to take advantage of it by studying more. And sadly, this was only a week before my first final. On my second day off from work, I lied down on my bed after a visit to the doctor's office and tried to take a nap. I was fighting a gripping headache all day and was hoping that sleep would help me out. After two hours of tossing and turning, it only got worse and sleep would not come. The pain from deep within my brain began to grow and throb and sweat poured from all over my body and drenched my clothes, my sheets. I clenched my teeth and began to stifle tears. It was awful. I stayed this way for another hour before I realized it was the type of killer migraine I had back in the day when I was really really sick, and I knew I needed help.
Finally, an ambulance had to be called. I was dying. The paramedics showed up and checked my blood pressure. It had shot up to 156 over 80. I am usually around 100-110 over 70 or 80. The weird thing is when I'm sick my blood pressure goes down. This was the first time it shot up. Paul showed up right then and offered to take me to the hospital. The paramedics said that it was ok for him to take me.
When I got to the ER, there was a long line. I had to sign in and sit in the waiting room for almost two hours before they called my name. That entire time, I was in so much pain, sweating profusely and crying from the throbbing pain from deep inside my skull, I began to vomit. Someone got me a bucket and I began puking nonstop into it in front of all those people. I didn't even care. I was a sick dog.
Finally they called my name and gave me a bed that was pushed up against the wall of a long busy corridor. I realized they had tons of people back there, more people than were waiting in the waiting room, and they were all sick as hell. I was lucky to even get a bed, even if it was just a bed in a hallway. Some were only given chairs and they were crying from the pain too. I started to feel bad. But not bad enough to give up my bed. I was dying too man.
The nurses who treated me were professional and kind. The first one tried to find my vein and began to stick an IV needle into it but couldn't do it very well. She said my veins are too small from dehydration. So she called another nurse to give it a try. They tried both my arms and finally succeeded in sticking the tube in my vein. I can't say I enjoyed that experience. I hate needles and I hate being poked. Seeing a tube being stuck into my vein is violent. I asked for morphine but they said they will start with a higher dose of motrin before they give me the hard stuff. I was disappointed. Ten years ago when I had a similar migraine attack they gave me morphine and it did wonders. This time, the half assed motrin they gave me wasn't relieving. My head was still throbbing as I felt the IV of motrin spreading through my veins. While I was lying there waiting for all of the IV to drain into my veins, I began looking around me and seeing all the sick people that were there and the nurses who were helping them. One of the nurses who helped me, she began chatting with me and I thanked her for treating me with such kindness. She said she gets mistreated by other patients all the time. She said she gets cursed at, spit on, yelled at- all the time. I saw a cop walk by, with his walkie talkie blaring voices. He had come in to question a victim and the victim's family. There was a rastafari looking man who was right next to me, seated on a chair, who kept howling from some kind of stomach pain. Paul brought me a muffin and I nibbled on it. My throat was dry. Paul and I both observed the room and commented quietly about how grim it looked all around us. Paul muttered, And they are spending how much for the arena? Look at this place. There are sick people here. And they've got hospital beds in hallways... And not everyone even gets a bed. I nodded.
After hours, I was finally released. I felt weak and barely conscious. I longed to be strong so I can get back to work and study again. I tried not to dwell on the fact that I was missing a Contracts review session that night. The doom of finals were hanging over my head. I was so mad at my body for failing me....
******
I had to go back two days later to get the morphine because my migraine never went away.
And somehow I managed to study my ass off and take a dozen practice tests for each class and took my finals, one by one, fighting my nasty cough and sudden migraine attacks that kept coming and going. Even now, as I sit here typing this, my head is woozy and my ears are plugged and I hear planes landing in my head. But I made it through.
The triumph I feel of finishing my first year is bittersweet. Someone asked me just earlier today if I enjoy law school. I couldn't give a hearty answer. I told him, it's too early to tell from just finishing one year. I feel like it was too tough for me to say that I liked it. And that is the truth. If I wasn't working full time, I think I would be enjoying it a lot more. But the brutality of juggling so much has disgusted me and it's hard to say that I like anything about law school. Especially because it keeps me from doing anything else, I have a bad taste in my mouth everytime I think about it. I wish I can sing it praises. But I just can't. I do admit though, it has taught me to think in a completely different way and I am given a whole new perspective on looking at a situation. Having a legal brain means we weigh the facts and try to determine how the law would apply. It's a skill and it's important to learn if you're going to be a lawyer. But it doesn't make you a better person or a more well-rounded person. It doesn't give you worldly views or philosophical pearls of wisdom- these things we still have to achieve on our own. And I can't help but feel like law school can get in the way of that sometimes. Learning the law is important if you want to fight the good fight in courtrooms and help people. But it does not build character. You have to seek character out on your own.
I went to the McGeorge graduation the day after my last final to gain some inspiration for the remaining years I have left to get through. Chief Justice Tani Cantil-Sakauye was the keynote speaker at the graduation and she had an important message to share with the graduates.
She illustrated the challenges that the state is facing and how much of the job force in the legal field is downsizing. She was honest in letting us know that it will be tough to find a job after law school. But she reminded us that the need for justice has grown, and more than ever, people need us. Having a mindset and the heart of a steward, if we remember that our purpose is to serve justice, there is plenty of work waiting for us, and she said when we are ready, her job shall be ours. It really spoke to my heart, her words. I hope that the graduates really heard what she had to say.
I wonder if enough people graduating from law school have the mindset of really wanting to help people. I feel that without the right attitude and altruistic intentions, this is a dangerous power to have. If we don't use our skills and our knowledge for the greater good, we can easily allow ourselves to abuse our power. It's not just about making money and having status in society. It's being able to advocate for important issues and fight the good fight on the people's behalf and make society a better place. As hard as this past year has been, time and time again I remind myself of why I am doing this. Justice Cantil-Sakauye's words gave me promise and hope that it will all be worth it in the end, because I will earn the power to truly help people and obtain justice through the judicial system. I want to be a voice for people who need to be heard, and I want to dedicate my life to being a public servant.
This past year, especially the last six months was rough. I lost some friends, but I am reminded of how great my true friends are. Through the hard times, they stuck by me and encouraged me and it touched me beyond words. During the rough time, some people chose to turn away from me and it hurt. But it was revealed to me who my true friends are. And for these friends I have, for their big hearts full of love and kindness, I will cherish them and be grateful for them and love them the best I can.
This past weekend was a break but it was too short. I got to fit in a lot though. I made Mother's Day brunch for my family and we enjoyed each others' company.
I love my family so much. For better or for worse, we are there for each other, even though we don't always agree on everything. As I get older, I feel like I can't spend enough time with them, if I have any free time at all, I want to spend it with them. They mean everything to me. My dad and I have grown especially close. We've had our rough days too, we used to bump heads a LOT. But over time we realized we are so much alike and our battles fought have brought us closer together. I feel like my dad understands me better than anyone because we are alike in so many ways... And when I look at my mom, I can't keep from crying. She has overcome so much and yet she is the strongest, most positive person I have ever known in my entire life. She is the rock in our family and she keeps us together. I cannot do enough for her to make up for what she has done for my brother and me. And my brother is my best friend. Growing up, we laughed and cried together and went through so much together. And seeing how we've both grown up to be such strong-minded, determined individuals, he continues to impress me everyday as he keeps evolving and growing into a man. I know that any person on this earth would be lucky to have him as a friend, and I am grateful for the amazing bond that we share.
For the brunch, I whipped up a fantastic meal of apple bacon egg scramble, spicy crabmeat dip served on a sourdough bread bowl, baked sweet potato fries with my bomb ass srirachi aioli sauce, stuffed salmon fillets, fluffy buttermilk pancakes, an assortment of fruits and nuts, and homemade mimosas made with champagne from Napa Valley and orange juice. It was delightful. I had spanish guitar music playing on my rustic record player and cooked while everyone enjoyed their mimosas and appetizers. It was heartwarming and festive. It was perfect.
I also got to fit in a short bike ride, a movie, and saw a choir perform. I also saw a good friend perform with his band at Shady Lady. I ate good food and got to sit outside my house and stare at the sky for 20 minutes, enjoying the sun on my skin and felt the breeze. That's about it, but it was something. It wasn't as glorious as I thought it would be, but I am glad to be done. No longer a 1L. It was a short lived happiness but it was happiness nonetheless.
Here's a picture of a bookmark that Paul got me for good luck on the night of my last final. That's me holding it up right before taking the last final.
***I hope to be able to get back to my blogging about Honduras and my crazy hike up Celaque. My travel stories are important to me because of the messages that it conveys about the importance of culture and a glimpse of the world outside of the U.S. I hope to be able to find the time to write about my last few days in Honduras. Traveling is important to me. I am bummed that I won't be able to go on any trips or hikes for another couple of months because of summer school, but I booked tickets to NYC- I'm taking my brother to New York for his first time ever! It will be in July after all my summer classes and it will be a blast. Paul and I are talking about a trip in January as well, and hopefully we can go see the Barnes Collection in Philadelphia sometime before then.
But first I must get through summer school. Now I have to head off to my first night of summer class: Criminal Procedure. And the journey continues...
