spring break

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So because of my prolonged 2012 blues, I wasn't particularly looking forward to Spring Break. But now that we're halfway in the middle of it, I am realizing how FREAKING nice it is not to have to go to class after work! Oh my god, life is so much better not having to go to class. Even though I've been stressing about my citations test and my final graded assignment that is due for my Legal Writing class, I got to do normal people stuff for the past couple of days- things like sitting on my couch after work just to catch a breath without worrying about being late to class, and cooking homemade dinners, healthy, spicy, vegetarian, just the way I like it. Here's last night's dinner, day two of my spring break. I made another salad with cilantro dressing, brown rice with black beans and fire roasted tomatoes and baked salmon with sriracha aoli. The salmon literally melted in my mouth like butter. Dinners like this make life worth living. On school nights I make lean shakes out of powder from GNC. Gag! I much prefer to cook and eat real food for dinner.



So even though I've been down about the crazy stuff, some good things have happened. I got me a new ride. A gold little mini cooper. It drives like a dream. I do miss my pretty purple Prius and the great gas mileage it gave me, but I have moved on. My little ride fits in just about any parking space and I think it really suits me.



So between the sad stories, the pain and turmoil, and the stress of school, I woke up on Tuesday and decided I want to chop all my hair off. The feeling grew stronger and stronger by mid-day and before 1pm I knew I wanted my hair gone. It was one of those feelings I just knew wasn't going to go away until it was done. So I made an appointment for that afternoon at Alley Cuts- a salon I always used to walk by on the way to work by 8th and J Street- and decided it was going to finally happen. I didn't want to go to some high-priced fancy place where they make you feel under-dressed just to get a freakin haircut. I wanted somewhere low-key but knowledgeable- just someone who knows how to do hair. I got on Yelp and researched what reviewers had to say about Alley Cuts and I decided it was perfect.

I always toyed with the idea of a pixie cut for several years now, but I never thought I had the guts to do it. I always said, maybe I'll lose ten pounds first, or oh, I'll wait until my braces come off, or some kind of excuse like that. But I always thought it would be the final step to transforming myself and being who I really am.



I don't believe in hiding behind my hair or needing long hair to feel beautiful. I always knew that I don't need my hair to feel sexy. And I was sick of always tying my hair into a ponytail day after day after day.

The girl that cut my hair was really sweet. Laurel is her name. Reviewers love her. They describe her as being this quiet, soft-spoken ninja hair-cutter who can work wonders with her haircutter tools. And I think they were spot on.



I showed her two photos- one of Natalie Portman and another of Michelle Williams- both with close cropped pixie cuts- very, very short.

 

She took my ponytail and asked, Are you ready? I nodded with excitement. Boy, was I ever. And then SNIP! Gone. No more long hair. I felt absolutely liberated.

As she quietly began shaping my head, I just sat and stared. I couldn't believe how good I felt. I thought I would instantly regret it or start crying. But I didn't. I really did feel great.

Here is the end result:

     
I feel like a new person, and it was just what I needed to get back on stride with my life.

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I was originally thinking about getting a buzz cut, but I thought it might be too hardcore for work. But now that I know that I am comfortable with short hair, I'll think about getting that buzz cut. I want it shorter than it is now. I want it super cropped and close to my head, none of this puffy, fro business.



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I will be getting together with my study buddy for the rest of the week and finishing my outlines and getting caught up on all the reading and teach myself Contracts because my professor doesn't know how to teach me a damn thing. And then on Sunday I will be driving down to help my brother move into his new apartment in SF. That will be fun!

And then I have a horrid citations test next Tuesday, and then I have a month to study for finals. And then summer school starts. I see no light at the end of this tunnel, but at least some of the disasters have ceased to explode in my face for the time being. And we recently saw pictures of my grandma and although she is old and dying, seeing her pictures made me happy and gave me renewed inspiration to go see her this summer, after all my stupid classes are done. I have a month off before Fall semester starts, so perhaps I will take advantage of that time to go see her for one last time before she leaves us. It will be a trip worth making, to see her and touch her again, even if it's to say goodbye.

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Lastly, I am anxiously looking forward to the warm weather. I miss feeling the sun on my skin.

rainy days

So... I know I haven't blogged in over a month. I was busy rolling around in the seventh circle of hell. Stories about Honduras will have to wait. But for the sake of never neglecting the untold stories, I will tell you what I wish to write about one day whenever the storm blows over:

-bus ride to Gracias
-Celaque hike
-bus ride to San Pedro Sula and last night in Honduras
-re-cap and reflections on why I travel to poor countries

These stories will come.

Right now, my mind is full of other things. The last two months have been a reminder of my distant former life, where I was sucked up into a tornado of darkness that held me in its grip for seven, long years.

But I overcame that, so I will overcome this.
It's just curious that everytime I enter into a new chapter in my life, I mark it with a string of misfortunes before it turns over to a new phase of my life. And literally, it's been raining all week. How literal can this be?



I got back from Honduras feeling rosy about life and someone t-boned me in an intersection and my life changed after that. It's not only because of the accident, but a string of other crazy things started happening and now my life will never go back to the way it was. I had a good long run.  I enjoyed five years of glory and everything went my way.

At least I'm a different person than when I was last hit with bad times. Even though I'm still the emotional and sensitive person I've always been and it's difficult for me to be a steady rock through rough times, I know that I have overcome worse things, so I will be ok. Plus, I know that I am surprisingly strong. And I have my family.

I don't really feel like talking about what kinds of things have been happening, either. They are all very personal things that I don't want the world to know. Unless you're a close friend, it's better I leave out all the details.

Here's a poem I found that I think is pretty depressing but it describes how I feel.

Rainy Days by Katica Vrhovac

Tomorrow
I’ll wake up before morning dew is gone
to the calmness of a dayspring
and to the glory of the first sun ray to appear
I’ll put my best outfit on, and
say my good mornings with a positive look,
tomorrow, not today.

Tomorrow I’ll smile at every living thing
and say the world is a wonderful place to live
wonderful place to love, and even to die
tomorrow, not today.

Today I’ll close my eyes
and slip into this misery of life
I’ll plug my ears not to hear a thing
just eerie hollowness around me
I’ll try not to inhale too deep
try to feel how is not to breathe.

But tomorrow,

tomorrow I’ll start
with a fresh breeze, and fresh views
new goals, and new hopes, once again
my dreams will be worth living for
and life will smell like a wild rose.

And if tomorrow rains again
I’ll know what to do
I’ll close my eyes not to see
plug my ears not to hear
shut my mouth not to breathe.