hello summer!

[ Note: Nothing in this entry is profound- just random thoughts I felt like typing.]
Ok, so it's not quite summer yet, but it sure felt like it this past weekend. And I didn't know this about myself, but I realize my mood is considerably affected by the weather. Seeing the sun shining and feeling the warmth on my skin makes me so incredibly happy! And according to a Harvard study, happiness prevents heart attacks for Type A personalities like me:

http://www.sacbee.com/2012/04/17/4421352/happy-positive-outlook-may-be.html#storylink=omni_popular

I am excited for the new season!



So finals are just around the corner, and tonight is the last night of my final first year law school class: Contracts. My least favorite class of all. After tonight, all we have are three finals left and then I get two days of freedom before summer classes start. Whoo hoo!

In celebration of the new season, I started wearing my beloved stiletto sandals to work. Here is a pair I got from the Mission District last weekend- the ones I thought I'd never wear:

 

I am in love with these shoes.

To celebrate the warmth, we also had dinner at Lounge on 20 and had some street tacos, fries, and this dessert called pb and j- which is not a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but something fancy and very delicious:



Another thing I'm excited about is that I've been able to run faster finally. I've been running a 9 minute per mile pace for years now, and I've finally gotten into the 8 minute per mile range. It feels good to know that all my years of running are helping me to run faster.

It's been 4 weeks since I chopped all my hair off and it was time to go in for a trim. This time, I wanted to make sure we go REALLY short. So I asked Laurel to shave my whole head. She paused and said, trust me, you don't want to do that. So I said, ok, do your thing.

So what she did was shave my head except the top, and left some hair for me to spike and style. When she was done, at first I was scared because I realized it really was incredibly short and I realized how much I look like a boy. Hair grows, I told myself, and my hair grows fast.

After a couple of days, I felt ok about it. My hair does grow fast, and it's kinda fun being a boy for a while. I always thought I'd be better at being a boy than a girl. And, if I were a boy, I suppose my boy name would be Eli.



I also discovered a great product that is cheap and does wonders for my hair when I am trying to style it. I highly recommend it to any guy or girl with short, spiky hair:


This stuff is the best. In the past month, I've experimented with all kinds of pomade, gel, texturizer, hair spray, etc to style my short hair. And for a couple of bucks, this stuff is the winner. A fun fact about this product is that it was created in the 1920's. The only drawback is that you have to wash your hands a couple of times after using it because it's extremely sticky but it works amazingly to shape and style your hair.

I got a call today from the body shop saying my car is finally ready for pick up!

Here's to short hair, warm weather, and not crashing my car anymore! And finals...

One more thing- so bummed that Metta World Peace went back to being Ron Artest. I was rooting for him big time.

last day of torts

Last night, we had our last night of torts. Surprisingly, I felt emotional about it.
We were invited by our professor, Larry Levine, to give our creative contributions as we ate pizza, chips, and brownies and drank from a buffet of beer, wine, and liquor. Only a handful of people offered their contributions with their homemade tort products and written poems (very sweet!), and a group provided us with a skit performance that was very funny and entertaining. But what hit my heart was our professor's speech at the end of it all. He told us,

"It is truly a gift to teach you all and see you grow. I know I told you all that you will come in here with minds full of mush, and that I will turn your mush into minds that can think like lawyers. But your minds were not full of mush... I appreciate your energy and your good humor. I know you're all under a lot of stress right now, but be proud of what you have accomplished."

Those are simple words, but it really hit me. I looked back at the year we've had together. I remember how we all began law school, not having a clue what we have gotten ourselves into, as bright, eager students, ready to learn the law. I remember not even knowing what a "tort" was or what a "holding" was. I remember how scared we all felt, terrified of being called on, scrambling in the wee hours of the morning and night, trying to decipher the cases to be ready to answer any questions we might be asked. I remember how it felt to be shot down, shamed and embarrassed that we didn't know the answer. I also remember the pride and glory when we were able to answer a question correctly.

Relying on endless cups of coffee, good graces of our significant others and our family members, we lugged our 50 pounds of law books around, hoping our laptops wouldn't fry before exam time, and tried to keep the laws straight in our minds, trying our best to keep them from overlapping with our other classes.

I hated life, loathed waking up in the morning, collapsed on my bed each night from exhaustion, almost died twice trying to get to school, totaled my car, chopped my hair off, broke up with my boyfriend, got demoted at work, deleted Facebook for weeks, and went into thousands of dollars into debt for this law school education, and I know I'm not alone in what I've experienced this past year. But as I heard Professor Levine tell us to be proud, I realized it was all worth it. Torts came and went, and we are one year down in our journey of earning this law degree.

I know that years later, I will look back on my torts class with fondness. Professor Levine taught us with a love of the law, love for teaching, a love for his students, and it showed throughout the year we had him. We were blessed to have him as a professor, to walk us through this terrifying experience, and I can honestly say I have never been more challenged in my entire life.

So with a heavy heart full of gratitude, we concluded our torts class with merry cheer, but I know that I will miss being in Levine's class dearly. This is what I wanted to say last night, during our hour of creative contributions.

turning point

Ahh! I finally got to the turning point. I am no longer sad.

 

It happened unexpectedly. Sunday I went out to run the Presidio 10 in SF and set another PR (running 10 miles with an 8:59 minute mile pace) and then met up with my brother and my parents for my mom's birthday lunch. The sun was out and we were all smiling. After having delicious sushi and bopping around Japantown for the annual Cherry Blossom Festival eating street food and listening to live bands, a sudden thought popped in my head- life isn't so bad. It had been a while since I felt that way. I was pleasantly surprised when this thought continued to linger faintly on my mind.

Later that day, a live band did a cover of Michael Jackson's Billie Jean and my dad started dancing in public for the first time. I laughed and smiled and let the sun beam down on me. I felt gay and joyful.




After my parents left, I continued to shop around the Mission District and picked up a few used books at Dog Eared Books and a pair of beautiful tan-colored suede stiletto sandals from Buffalo Exchange that I'll probably never wear but will look good on my feet whenever I feel like trying them on. I also picked up a few antique items (a picture clip, a few buttons, a novelty matchbox) and a pretty new pipe for my herbal remedies. Is it just me? Or are all mannequin bodies really really hot? Damn these mannequins are banging.



.

Although it was a Sunday, I refused to let the doom of Monday loom over my head to ruin my fun day in the city. And surprisingly, it worked. I chased away the misery with the power of my mind. I couldn't tell if it was retail therapy or just being in my hometown that caused me to feel happiness, but whatever it was, it worked. I hadn't felt that light in months.



****

Monday came around and I went to work. It was peaceful and uneventful, and in my world, that is the best thing I can ask for. No drama, no craziness, just peace and quiet.
And then it was Tuesday. Yesterday. I had a cup of noodles for lunch because I'm trying to budget my money until the next payday and I felt like going out to get some air and work off the heaviness of the noodles. So I hopped on my bike and went for a little ride on my lunch at work. As I rode along the river, I again felt the sun beaming down on me and I realized that I am happy. I realized that this is who I am. Smiling and happy and full of gratitude- darkness is not me. I am the light. I am the sun. I am happy and this is who I really am. As I rode around the river and around town, I remembered my darker days in years past, and thought about all that I have overcome. I look at my life now and all the blessings I have, and the goals I have accomplished, and all the things that I still want to aspire towards. Sure, I may lose a few battles along the way. But the war is not lost. I will still keep on fighting and this fight is still not over yet. I am a winner because I am still alive. And as long as I keep living, I will keep winning. Funny how a mid-day bike ride made me think of all that finally. No matter- my turning point has finally come.

lessons to be learned

So blogging has become a once-a-month phenomenon. Every day is a struggle. But I haven't forgotten about my Honduras experience and all the things I wish to write about. Ok, maybe I have. It certainly isn't the first thing on my mind, I have to admit. If you've given up on reading about that by now, I understand.

I can officially say now that 2012 has been rough. Ok, maybe I should wait until December to declare this conclusion. But I can officially say that the first four months of 2012 has been the pits.



In the last four months, I have been struggling to understand what brought about this sudden turn in my life for the worse. I wonder if it's law school. I wonder if it's me losing the "goodness" within me. I wonder if I'm really just born with bad blood and by not going to church, I'm slowly reverting to my old, bad ways. I wonder if it really is because I turned away from the Lord. I wonder if it's karma.

I have a friend at work, a true friend, who has proposed different theories of why I am going through a rough patch right now. And out of all the things he's said, there is something that has stuck with me. He said, "Maybe what you're going through right now is teaching you that you can't control everything, and sometimes, bad things just happen. And you have to just let it be."

I keep remembering what he said. Out of all the other things I can think of, it is the most simple answer that makes the most sense. I cannot control everything. Sometimes bad things happen, and there is nothing I did or can do about it.

I've been in rough patches in my life before. And each time, I always put up a fight to resist it. In the end, I would have to accept it. I am reminded of that lesson once again. I have to accept that bad things just happen sometimes. There is no use in fighting it.

With that said, I am looking to the rest of this year and still trying to keep a positive outlook. I am one week away from finishing my first year of law school classes. I can't feel the joy yet since finals are looming ahead, but I know it will feel really good after my last final.

Although I've hated life for most of the first year, I know that I will look back on it with pride because I was able to survive through it...